3.29.12

It’s always darkest before the dawn

That’s what I’ve heard on TV or read in a book when a main character is facing some life altering situation. It’s always darkest before the dawn and then something miraculous happens and everything is all gravy. Well, I’ve certainly had enough of the dark times. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any darker, it did. It’s been almost a year since my mom died. April 9^th will be 365 days that heaven admitted my mom as God’s newest Angel and I’ve always thought since her death, that she’s been my Angel. 

Yesterday I was in such a dark place in my heart and in my head. I was missing my mom something awful and it was just becoming unbearable and yesterday morning I hit a “wall”. I felt like she had just died all over again and everything still felt so raw. There’s so much more I could talk about regarding everything that’s happened since Momma died, but to dredge it all up now is to relive it and right now, I’m just too happy to put myself thru that. One day I’ll share it, and believe me, you will see why it’s been such a painful journey. So, my wonderful husband, heartbroken because there’s nothing he can do to fix my pain, suggested that I call my Godmother. She and my mother were friends for 44 years before she passed and I really needed a mother figure to talk to. So I called her and we talked for about 2 hours. She told me funny stories about when she and my mom were in high school together. She reminded me of many things that my mom would say to cheer me up and she told me some hard things that I needed hear to begin the closure process of my grieving. I’ve come to accept what I need to do, I’m just not ready to do it. But the very acceptance of that fact lifted sooooo much weight off my shoulders and that heavy cloud that was suffocating my heart was beginning to lift. I started breathing easier and I actually felt like getting out of bed, washing my hair, and getting pretty! I did something I hadn’t done in almost 2 years…I gave myself a French pedicure! It turned out so pretty! Today, I even did my hair all pretty and I did my makeup! My husband was like “where’s my wife?” Even my 12 year-old son was like “Wow mom you look awesome!” I don’t know what tomorrow is gonna be like, but the way these last couple of days have gone, all I can do is look forward to it!

Sunrise sure is pretty isn’t it?

So I'm back today after being away for so long. What's been going on? Well, a whole heck of a lot. Shortly after I started this blog I fell into a pretty deep well of depression. It seemed that my world was caving in on me. School was becoming overwhelming, my kids are extremely active and popular, medical issues for my husband and now for me. My Superman hurt his shoulder pretty badly and he'll have surgery next week. I fell and hurt my back 20 years ago and on occasion, it will lock up on me. Last year when I had the flu from hell, I coughed a little too hard and that was it. I'm not quite sure what happened but my back hasn't been right since. About a week ago I got out of bed only to grab hold of my dresser to stop from falling on the floor. Pain shot from my back all the way down and my knees buckled. The tears came almost immediately. "I'm only 37. Why am I in this pain?" are the questions going through my mind as I scoot back to the warmth and comfort of my bed. Once I lay down I realize I have an even bigger problem. Not only is my back throbbing, the initial reason I got outta bed still hasn't been address.....I have to pee!!!!! So my husband, hearing my cry and being concerned, helps me to the bathroom. He has to help me sit down and stand up. That's it! That's it! That's the final straw! I'm 37 and my husband had to help me go to the bathroom? No way! I call the doctor and say I'm on my way. I get there and he asks me what my deal is. He's so funny. He checks me over and prescribes me some pretty heavy drugs ;-) and physical therapy. After I get home, I sit and think. About what? What's gotten me so down over the last couple of months that I ignored the things that were important to me, alone. I ignored school, I ignored my house, and ignored the outside world. I hardly even went outside. I was starting to feel like an agoriphobic. I don't want to be like that. So I started thinking of what I used to do when I got down and it came to me; writing! I used to have dozens of spiral notebooks that I would write in for hours and hours. I have carpel tunnel now so I can't write for hours, but I have an ergonomically correct office and I can type for hours, so I got back to my blog. My goal is to keep this up because of the theraputic properties it has for me. Hopefully, I can take people on my journey of self discovery. How cool is that?